Sunrise

Driving to work this morning was dangerous. It was dark and quiet which allowed for a lot of thinking time. I’ve been trying to restrict quiet thinking time as usually its lead to missing him and what I thought was potential for something pretty great. Initially that was how this morning started. But I came to terms with myself because despite all the personal events I went through I know that I had given it everything I had.  I gave it everything until it literally hurt.

And as I drove over the bridge fog and mist covered most of the city and in the distance set upon hues of light orange and blue and aged evergreens I could see the sun peaking. I came to the realization that no matter how dark and long the nights seem to be the sun will always rise to begin a new day.

(I did not drive and take a photo so this was from google)

In the words of Jay-Z ... On to the next one

I’m sitting here and I am still thinking about you. I’m sad that it didn’t work out because I cared about you, I kind of still do. My optimistic nature still thinks about you being a great guy. A part of me feels bad for bottling up everything I’ve been feeling to avoid stressing you out. It eventually got out of control and that was why I made my decision. I have already apologized to you for this - to which you had no reply. This is a new experience for me and I guess maybe I am trying to remember what was great and to learn from what wasn't. And while I want to think that you are hurting just as bad as I've been I know you’re not. So … I’m forced to move on to the next one.

 After you get over the tears and sentiments of missing the person you dated I think it’s quite reassuring to know that there are about 6.97 billion people who exist in the world. Those people have gone through, are going through or will be going through something similar to you. Meaning there are atleast 1.5 billion guys out there to date and maybe we can say that 750 million of those guys are good guys … I’m not very good at statistics, hell I can barely count, but I know that there must be at least 100 great single guys within my proximity and I am getting myself ready to find them!

The fifth day

It still makes me sad to think of you. I'm trying to remind myself that I wasn't enough for you and that even with the stress you were under I should never have had to work for your attention. I should never have had to feel like you were slipping away. Although you said things to confuse me, your actions will always speak louder than your words. You were self-centered and couldn't see everything that I did for you despite all of the stress I was under. Even now I know that you are only concerned with the hardship that you are going through.

This is my fifth day of recovering and I refuse to let the thought of you consume me with sadness any longer.

Where to begin ...

It sucks that I'm back at what I feel is step one of my recovery phase. I was so close to finally getting over you then you decided to come back into my life ... for what? I can't understand why you would think that it was okay to message me. I don't understand how you could think we ended on a 'good note' when you said you didn't have time or energy for me and couldn't even give me a hug good-bye because you were having a bad day. And I can't understand why I will still rationalize to myself that you are a great guy in a bad place right now.

Angry vent

I thought I was okay. I thought I was progressing at such a great pace. I had come to terms with the fact that you didn't like me enough and that there are other great guys out there. I was able to think back to the good times or see your name without being upset. I was getting ready to put my best foot forward then you had to mess me up by texting me last night.

You were ridiculous enough to think that we ended on good terms despite all that you know about me and the text I sent you the night before telling you how hurt I was. And as messed up as it is I am still willing to work hard for you, I still see you as a great guy under a brick load of stress. I think it's my personality and the fact that I purposely like to cultivate positivity instead of hate but right now it just makes it hurt even more. I have never seen my sympathy and willingness to work hard for anyone as a sign of weakness but in this case I broke down and cried in public over you. I don't understand what you want from me.

Bring on 2013!

Usually most people prepare for the new year by setting themselves goals and resolutions to accomplish for a fresh start to the new calendar year. Today, on New Years Eve, I will be trying to close 2012 to prepare for my fresh start.

After the first of my longest dating experiences, I don't have much to be honest, I realize that there are things I need to learn from this. For the last few days I have been hurting from reminiscing and prior to my decision to leave I was hurting from neglect. Today I feel as if I have regained a bit of myself - the part that can calmly contemplate the events of the last several months and conclude with something self-educational.

I am slowly coming to terms with knowing that I, being as independent as I am, need/want a man to complete that aspect of my life.  I think that realization is maybe what made this healing process difficult because in dating I had to accept the fact that my happiness is being largely influenced by the guy I'm dating. What I mean to say is that while I still hold part control, my moods and emotions are directly in relation to the guy that I am dating.

The last guy I dated was a good guy -- he was a great guy. And in ending things I felt like I was losing the ONLY great guy out there (specially since its taken so long for me to find someone I liked enough). I had tried to force myself to see just the douche he was towards the end to heal but I knew deep down that the last few weeks have been exceptionally difficult for him. Anyways, I don't like to be the person to bring people down just so I can feel better about myself. Focusing on his negative actions did not give me a permanent sense of relief - it just fueled my emotions and I subconsciously began reminiscing about how he was a great guy ninety percent of the time we dated (this resulted in lots and lots of tears). It was more restorative to know that he was a great guy but he just didn't like me as much as I liked him.

Although everyone had told me not to text him the stubborn & impulsive side of me, yes it exists, did so last night. Initially I was filled with intense emotional regret for feeling so weak but in doing so I came to a sense of calm that I have managed to maintain over the last ten hours. It's been several days since I've been able to sleep and wake without being upset. This morning and last night I was able to think about him and everything new that I experienced with him without crying. I truly believe that my text to him solidified the fact that I valued him more than he valued me. And when it comes down to it actions speak louder than words and I want someone to value me as much if not more than I value them.

And the most important thing I learned from all of this is that I have such amazing and supportive family & friends. I genuinely feel so blessed and at awe at how much support and love I've been given. Grateful can't even begin to describe how I feel for these people who have literally supported me through this healing process. 

In less than twenty hours the new year will come and I will feel privileged to have gained so much experience from 2012 and refreshed for 2013.

Online Dating 101

I've spent the past four months not being single. Great entry line for a singles blog.

Four months prior I used an online dating website to meet guys. I figured it would be a great way to filter out what I want to find in someone AND that I'm not meeting them drunk. Thinking back now, I find this to be useless. The guy I met did not indicate he fathered a dog in a custodial type battle with his ex. I've heard that sharing dogs with exes is the new trend. I had tried to be understanding since I love my dog but after three months of dating and I had finally pulled the courage to ask him to meet my friends he declined because he couldn't leave his dog alone at night --- this is a clear red flag and something that was definitely left out of his profile.

Be wary of professions! Entrepreneurs are great once they've established their companies for a couple years but the first few are rough and they should not be scouting to date if they can't keep it together. I guess this note is especially for me since I am overly empathetic. I had gone through a series of personal events that could have put me down but they didn't entirely. I'm the type of person that believes your mental sanity/ perspective of life affects your mood so under stress I remind myself that:

1) there are worse problems in the world right now

2) no one is dying

3) I can be happy if I want to be - so breathe

Usually this helps to calm me down. But in this case it wasn't me that was stressed it was the guy I was dating. So I took it upon myself to try and cheer him up. I did this by taking him out, paying for dates, being the one to suggest when to see each other - I literally forced myself to expect nothing from him besides his company and towards the end I realized that even this was so hard for him to give me. So heed the warning and do not date an entrepreneur within the first few years of establishing his business.

I wish that he had indicated the importance of both of his babies (dog & company) on his profile because clearly there is no room for anyone else. While qualities of being a dog lover and a hardworking entrepreneur are something that I find attractive once taken to the extreme, where I obviously have to fight for his time and attention, becomes an uphill battle. Initially there were a couple indicators that hinted at these extreme qualities but since I am very understanding and am such a newbie at dating I thought that I was the one that needed to adjust my perspective.

He also put up some photos from a couple of years ago so while I was not solely attracted to him because of his photos it did take a bit of adjusting mentally when I had met up with him.

Overall, I guess the website was great - I did end up dating him for several months, I can maybe even say I was almost falling for him. He was a good guy and I do understand that the stresses of establishing a company can change a person, his dog was also very cute. It all just seemed complicated for me and in the end I felt I had done all the adjusting and he didn't have the time or energy to date me (he said these exact words-- maybe he wasn't such a good guy?).

So now I am back in the single lane, just in time for the new year.