Almost

I almost tried to reach out to you last night. I wasn't upset, I wasn't even sad. I was just sympathetic and well I was feeling impulsive and stubborn - two of my most defining qualities. This might sound like I'm full of it but I'm also generous in nature. I extend myself to those who I feel are needy and give them as much support as I can. And I guess because I do care about you (declining every day) I just have this pity for the situation that you are in and have this innate nature to want to help -- this is all despite the fact that you have clearly shown you don't care about me. I also came to the last part of this rationality after a few minutes and did not reach out to you thankfully -- I did want a piece of steak after...

Apologetic

Maybe it's my general nature but I'm still thinking about him and am feeling bad that I couldn't stay with him during his worst.

I may probably regret this later but I want your honest answer. To my random readers: is it lame and pathetic that I want to contact him and apologize?

Sunrise

Driving to work this morning was dangerous. It was dark and quiet which allowed for a lot of thinking time. I’ve been trying to restrict quiet thinking time as usually its lead to missing him and what I thought was potential for something pretty great. Initially that was how this morning started. But I came to terms with myself because despite all the personal events I went through I know that I had given it everything I had.  I gave it everything until it literally hurt.

And as I drove over the bridge fog and mist covered most of the city and in the distance set upon hues of light orange and blue and aged evergreens I could see the sun peaking. I came to the realization that no matter how dark and long the nights seem to be the sun will always rise to begin a new day.

(I did not drive and take a photo so this was from google)

In the words of Jay-Z ... On to the next one

I’m sitting here and I am still thinking about you. I’m sad that it didn’t work out because I cared about you, I kind of still do. My optimistic nature still thinks about you being a great guy. A part of me feels bad for bottling up everything I’ve been feeling to avoid stressing you out. It eventually got out of control and that was why I made my decision. I have already apologized to you for this - to which you had no reply. This is a new experience for me and I guess maybe I am trying to remember what was great and to learn from what wasn't. And while I want to think that you are hurting just as bad as I've been I know you’re not. So … I’m forced to move on to the next one.

 After you get over the tears and sentiments of missing the person you dated I think it’s quite reassuring to know that there are about 6.97 billion people who exist in the world. Those people have gone through, are going through or will be going through something similar to you. Meaning there are atleast 1.5 billion guys out there to date and maybe we can say that 750 million of those guys are good guys … I’m not very good at statistics, hell I can barely count, but I know that there must be at least 100 great single guys within my proximity and I am getting myself ready to find them!

The fifth day

It still makes me sad to think of you. I'm trying to remind myself that I wasn't enough for you and that even with the stress you were under I should never have had to work for your attention. I should never have had to feel like you were slipping away. Although you said things to confuse me, your actions will always speak louder than your words. You were self-centered and couldn't see everything that I did for you despite all of the stress I was under. Even now I know that you are only concerned with the hardship that you are going through.

This is my fifth day of recovering and I refuse to let the thought of you consume me with sadness any longer.

Where to begin ...

It sucks that I'm back at what I feel is step one of my recovery phase. I was so close to finally getting over you then you decided to come back into my life ... for what? I can't understand why you would think that it was okay to message me. I don't understand how you could think we ended on a 'good note' when you said you didn't have time or energy for me and couldn't even give me a hug good-bye because you were having a bad day. And I can't understand why I will still rationalize to myself that you are a great guy in a bad place right now.

Angry vent

I thought I was okay. I thought I was progressing at such a great pace. I had come to terms with the fact that you didn't like me enough and that there are other great guys out there. I was able to think back to the good times or see your name without being upset. I was getting ready to put my best foot forward then you had to mess me up by texting me last night.

You were ridiculous enough to think that we ended on good terms despite all that you know about me and the text I sent you the night before telling you how hurt I was. And as messed up as it is I am still willing to work hard for you, I still see you as a great guy under a brick load of stress. I think it's my personality and the fact that I purposely like to cultivate positivity instead of hate but right now it just makes it hurt even more. I have never seen my sympathy and willingness to work hard for anyone as a sign of weakness but in this case I broke down and cried in public over you. I don't understand what you want from me.