Complications can be simple

I did something the other day that was probably not advisable in the process of trying to move on BUT it has helped me to find clarity. I know I say this so often and I seem to constantly teeter back and forth but this complication, rather the rollercoaster of feeling sad then happy, is a beauty in life. Yes, that sounds like I am on crack but it truly is a wonderful aspect of life to be able to freely flow between emotions and feelings and make choices irrelevant to the proper or social norm.

Anyways, I've come to understand that healing is different for everyone and that it often requires the satisfaction of feeling content. And as per a very wise Buddhist saying 'you are what you think'; your feeling of peace and contentment come from within. I know it's so easy to say now - trust me a few weeks ago I would not have been able to do this -- but this truly is about mastering your ability to silence your mind and practice a sense of stillness. It's a tough feat. I still constantly battle with myself, a privilege, but this is part of what I feel makes a beautiful life.

One step forward then two steps back...

I lived this part of that NickelBack song last night. I felt as if I had progressed or had taken a step forward but realized I was falling back down.

I've re-tried the online dating business because frankly there has been no time for me to venture out and it seems that unless your drunk at a bar guys in Vancouver are a bit too passive. I have had friendly exchanges on public transit, cafes and hell right on the sidewalk but nothing meaningful has come out of it. Honestly, it may very well be me and my inability to hide my pain (no I am not openly crying or brooding -- I am in fact quite pleasant and friendly to approach I've been told). Anyways, I'm back online and trying it again since I did find a good guy on there. I met up with this one guy yesterday afternoon and out of pure impulse spent the rest of the day with him. It was fun but on my way home in the train there I was with tears silently flowing down my face. Once I got to my car I turned the radio on and this stupid NickelBack song came on and I just let it all out!

Why can't I get over this!!!

The Big O

Don't get too excited just yet. The 'O' I'm referring to here is Oprah. It was such a privilege to be in the arena with her there. She has such a charismatic positive energy and everyone knows it. She didn't need to sing or dance (although she sang a short hymn) to get a crowd of approximately 15000 to pay hundreds of dollars and show up.

She talked about a lot of things in her life and her privilege of doing what she loved. I honestly felt so moved to have experienced her talk and at awe at how she is such an amazing woman. There were a few notes that I took that resonated within me, being newly single. I have voiced my frustration in not being able to fully let go yet and last night my 'single and happy' self was awakened. Better yet, the intelligent, independent and expressive individual I am inside was recharged.

"All trial exists to teach you that you are not the disease, it's to help you dig deeper to find out who you need to be" - Oprah Winfrey

Single & Happy

Happiness. Everyone is writing about it. Everyone wants it but somehow we don't all have it. I guess to limit the possible tangents I can go into with the idea of being 'happy' I will tackle the concept of being 'single & happy'.

During the last few weeks this idea of being 'single & happy' seemed to be impossible and even now I find it challenging to think about being a happy single Jane. It's almost been a month now and I feel like this past week has been more inundated with thoughts of him. It's so frustrating how often its been happening when I feel like these memories are supposed to go away. I'm trying to figure out if it's 'him' that I miss or the feeling of being in a relationship (being constantly contacted and the displayed affection).  It's led to my sluggish demeanor at work and everywhere else. I want to say that I'm being my regular Positive Patty (Imade this up) but it's tough. It's tough being content knowing that there is something missing.

I think I just need to constantly remind myself of everything I should be grateful for, the things outside of my control and the possibility of greatness to come. AND also I lived a perfectly happy and single life before him.

I would just really like to move on!

Tickets to Oprah

The universe has deemed me worthy of winning tickets to see Oprah! The name 'Oprah' did not exist for the public prior to her existence and will now never exist outside of her. In my mind Oprah is a pretty great woman! She experienced personal tragedy at an early stage in her life and has since then had to fend for herself. She has done so quite amazingly as she is now master of her own empire. She is honestly one of the most admirable women out there and a large part of me aspires to be as successful as she is.

Maybe that's why I've had such a hard time with dating. I'm very independent and driven so it's only recently that I've been able to look around and see that I am a bit lonely. I have family and friends who constantly surround me with love and affection but clearly something is missing. 

I'm looking forward to hear Oprah's wise words on balancing life. I feel like I need to calm down and balance my drive with feeling comfortable being a little bit dependent?

Why!

Last night I missed him so much and this overwhelming feeling of sadness snuck up on me quite intensely I actual cried.  It's almost been a month now ... I didn't and don't understand it! I thought I was over it and had moved on?!

Being single is expensive!

This weekend my single friends and I have been trolling the city. Yes, trolling -- I'm going to coin this word to imply a less aggressive form of prowling. We've gone speed dating, lounge dining and bar hoping. While we refused to pay several over priced cover fees we still purchased items for the night whether clothes, accessories, tickets or transportation to 'get out there'.

As a bunch of independent women we don't scour the bar for guys to buy us drinks, yes these girls exist. I've met a fair bit of guys who have voiced their pain in buying girls drinks and the girls leaving instantaneously after --- this is not how we want to portray ourselves girls! As a single girl with a good head on her shoulders I can say that if the situation was reversed (which it probably will never will be) I would feel used. Maybe my perspective of guys being genuinely interested in having a conversation or the potential of having that drink develop into something more is a bit idealistic and naive? I just know that the drink buying business is expensive. I don't remember where I was going with this ...

Anyways, I guess maybe the process of trying to 'put yourself out there' is what makes being single so expensive. I mean most couples date and spend the same amount if not more on their dating activities but I feel like single girls are pressured to get more 'dolled up' -- a self reflection not an accusation as there is nothing wrong with getting dolled up, it is just expensive.