If only I could make millions blogging like Bruno makes singing about his love life

I don't understand why I've reverted to caring about your well being again. I actually started missing you again and then I started worrying about how you were doing, why!!! Is this something in my genes? Working hard to earn someone's affection despite constant rejection? You've never once shown that you've put my well being before yours. The situation right now is a clear indication of this. After seeing what I thought was the worst of your personality I thought I was no longer attracted to you but it seems that I am still clinging on to the memory of every great part about you. This feels so irrational for me, I can't understand why I just can't get over you! I would never imagine myself as the type to bend over backwards for someone who has hurt me so much. But here I am.

I at least hope you are sharing the same sentiments as Bruno Mars ...but you're probably not. Even though you did say you didn't think it would be a good idea to hurt me again ... I think it's bullshit for 'I don't have the energy for this'.

Movies

I found myself crying over you again, just when I thought I finally got rid of the feeling of missing you. This time it wasn't cause of anything you did or said but rather everything that you didn't do or didn't say. I was watching a stupid independent movie trying to have a nice relaxing early night at home with a glass of wine. It was about this girl who loved this guy and initially he didn't love her back but then he realized that he did towards the end --- what happened to indy movies!! They are not supposed to be typical, romantic and cheesy like the regular main stream films.

Now I'm trying to watch a documentary about with some species the female ends up eat their mates. Hopefully this female species energy will rub off on me.

Almost there!

I think I’m nearing the end. I haven't cried for the past couple of nights maybe I’m just dehydrated. This week has just been exhausting for me with my ten hour work days, night class and fundraising event this weekend for my non-profit.  I am dreaming about sleeping in and having a day to just lounge around and do whatever I want. Unfortunately, I don’t see a day like that coming my way soon. This is why I’ve resorted to online dating and even then I have no time to schedule in a meet up (imagine trombone playing).

I don't want to cry anymore cause I think you're not worth it. But I'm still hurt that you could be so selfish and thoughtless. But I guess I am crying cause I thought you were someone else, different from who I thought I saw in the beginning. And I guess when I get down to the basics ... you just weren't that into me.

My exact sentiments

This will probably be the only time my exact thoughts and feelings will jive with Mariah Carey's. Enjoy!

Here we are ... again.

I guess it's my own fault. I'm back at what I feel is day one of recovery. I have no idea how people in longer and more meaningful relationships survive after their break up - thinking about this gives me a sense of calm. I tend to be my own worse critic and in this case I need to be. I need to feel that this situation was in my control; that it was my own choice, knowing full and well the possible consequences, that had me arrive at where I am right now.

Despite all the hurt and the pain that I am feeling I am still trying to see the positive in this.  I opened myself up before, during & after being the naive optimistic individual that I am. I'm glad this happened again because despite how much it hurts it has shown me your real personality. I couldn't see you for the self-centred child that you are.

I no longer see you as a good guy, you took that away yourself.

Damn this ride never ends..

So last night he decided to text me. We rehashed what happened, I decided to be honest and tell him I was falling for him but I didn't see myself as a priority in his life so I chickened out and pushed him to leave me. He said so many sappy things, which I willingly fell for again. He asked to hang out tomorrow and I thought I would be open and willing to try things again since I realized I more than cared for him. I know mentally I thought this was not a good idea but I was just so happy to hear from him to know that I actually mattered. I was naive enough to believe that as he was the older more experienced one he would also be considerate and intelligent.

Today I asked him what time we should meet and six hours later I got no response and so the same feelings I had before we broke up resurfaced. I felt disgusted with myself for feeling needy and for allowing myself to be put in the same situation again but I really liked him so I was willing to put myself through anything. I finally texted him: you would tell me if you changed your mind right?. The douche waited until I initiated to finally tell me that he thinks its a bad idea, that he is still in the same position so he shouldn't have texted or emailed me back (he was on my case yesterday for waiting too long to ask him if he was okay --- what an effing child).

I honestly thought he was a good guy and there are parts of him at are sweet but maybe I had blinders on and chose to focus on those great qualities of his that I didn't see the selfish and egotistical bastard that exists within. It honestly pains me to have to put those labels on him because its not my personality to be so angry but right now I hate him so much.