After the first of my longest dating experiences, I don't have much to be honest, I realize that there are things I need to learn from this. For the last few days I have been hurting from reminiscing and prior to my decision to leave I was hurting from neglect. Today I feel as if I have regained a bit of myself - the part that can calmly contemplate the events of the last several months and conclude with something self-educational.
I am slowly coming to terms with knowing that I, being as independent as I am, need/want a man to complete that aspect of my life. I think that realization is maybe what made this healing process difficult because in dating I had to accept the fact that my happiness is being largely influenced by the guy I'm dating. What I mean to say is that while I still hold part control, my moods and emotions are directly in relation to the guy that I am dating.
The last guy I dated was a good guy -- he was a great guy. And in ending things I felt like I was losing the ONLY great guy out there (specially since its taken so long for me to find someone I liked enough). I had tried to force myself to see just the douche he was towards the end to heal but I knew deep down that the last few weeks have been exceptionally difficult for him. Anyways, I don't like to be the person to bring people down just so I can feel better about myself. Focusing on his negative actions did not give me a permanent sense of relief - it just fueled my emotions and I subconsciously began reminiscing about how he was a great guy ninety percent of the time we dated (this resulted in lots and lots of tears). It was more restorative to know that he was a great guy but he just didn't like me as much as I liked him.
Although everyone had told me not to text him the stubborn & impulsive side of me, yes it exists, did so last night. Initially I was filled with intense emotional regret for feeling so weak but in doing so I came to a sense of calm that I have managed to maintain over the last ten hours. It's been several days since I've been able to sleep and wake without being upset. This morning and last night I was able to think about him and everything new that I experienced with him without crying. I truly believe that my text to him solidified the fact that I valued him more than he valued me. And when it comes down to it actions speak louder than words and I want someone to value me as much if not more than I value them.
And the most important thing I learned from all of this is that I have such amazing and supportive family & friends. I genuinely feel so blessed and at awe at how much support and love I've been given. Grateful can't even begin to describe how I feel for these people who have literally supported me through this healing process.
In less than twenty hours the new year will come and I will feel privileged to have gained so much experience from 2012 and refreshed for 2013.
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