Dating in Vancouver for 2013

As the year comes to a close I guess this would be the best time to stop and think of the past and how we can build on it for the future.

In terms of dating, I had my heart broken early this year  because I was naive and impulsive. And through the subsequent decisions I made, I continued to drag my heart along. As a break from all the emo posts I've been writing lately I believe this one will be the most comical!

In attempt to help me move on from my first broken heart my friends somehow convinced me to try speed dating. Worst experience of dating yet - and trust me I have some pretty bad experiences to date. Maybe it was the timer, the sheet we had to fill up or the guys weren't that interesting - wait no that was me I was miserable inside.

The month of Hallmark, Godiva and Florists International. I probably went on a few first dates this month. I was convinced that a month was enough time for me to move on and thus begun my serial dating experience. Most of my dates originated through Plenty of Fish and from the bar - but let me air this out here. People present themselves the same whether online or in person. One guy I met was fine at first and then started twitching - he said he was quiting smoking. And then later I found out he was a coke addict and wanted to a line off my .... GREAT!

After a few texts back and forth, I somehow thought it was okay to meet up with the guy who broke my heart again. This lead to two nights of pretty amazing sex and then 1, 2, ... 8 months of wishing I had decided against it.

This month was pretty quiet for me. Oh except I ran into my ex while out for drinks with a good friend and got drunk enough to leave with him ... except then he left me thinking I had ditched him althought I just slipped to go to the bathroom. And instead of apologizing he was reeming me out and demanding I trek to his apartment because he couldn't be bothered to leave his bed. So the next day I was broken hearted and my good friend was pissed off for me ditching her -  karma really does come back - faster than you think! Dating has been a rollercoaster ride. I often try not to generalize or typify Vancouver guys or guys in general because I hate it when the reverse happens. Its infuriating to hear the generalizations about dating in Vancouver that some articles post or some people rant about. There are great guys and great girls out there - I know this because I have met them and know them, they are just hard to find. Please note how this blog is specific to me and my experience.

I'm pretty sure the guy I dated for the month of May was bi-polar. I didn't know this when I met him and the subsequent weeks I dated him but in the end I definitely knew it. I met him online - I know, I know. Trust me, my optimistic and naive outlook of online dating was changed after this. He seemed great, had a good job, recently invested in a place, was active, he looked like he did online and I was attracted to him. He was assertive, educated and knowledgeable. And then a few weeks in, I would notice his personality switches would come around and they were quite extreme. The most extreme was the last time I saw him. We went on a nice romantic date, had dinner at a local french bistro and ended up on a restaurant patio overlooking the mountains. After ordering a bottle of wine, he launched into a verbal and emotional attack of who I am and what I do. I am pretty emotional so I cried, quietly, but cried. I guess I was confused as to what was happening and internally conflicted as to whether I should stand up for myself and argue but at the same time I didn't want to stoop to his level as he had caused quite a scene with his yelling. The waitress had asked him to leave a couple times before the restaurant manager escorted him out. I know you must be wanting details because clearly I must have said something but screw you for even thinking that any person has the right to treat someone else that way.

I forgot to mention that the night I was left crying at a restaurant patio I was super drunk and the next morning I realized I had texted my ex. We texted a couple times again he asked to go for drinks and I was in class so I said something about not being able to. I went for drinks with some friends one night and deviously decided to see him - the next day he said he would text and never did. Really - I know I cause my own problems.

After half the year going by with such insanity I decided to focus on myself in July, especially as it was my birth month. I did meet someone though and we started dating towards the end of the month. He was quiet, industrious and seemed a bit shy. We had good conversations though and he seemed hard working which I liked.

This was the slowest dating experience I've had. Maybe because he was either shy or "wasn't that into me" I feel like I had been the more assertive one. Although I know he made some effort it wasn't enough for me? This must make me sound like a snob but he would have rather played golf with his 40 year old golf buddies than see me. We hadn't seen each other for a week or so? --- Is this too high maintenance of me? Clearly we both wanted things the other couldn't provide.

September - This was a time where I switched jobs and began working 10-12 hour days 7 days a week. So I didn't date.

This has been a long enough post of me rambling about my dating experience ... part 2 is to come!

Getting over a broken heart

In three weeks it will have been a year since I ended things with the first guy I fell in love with. Being the naive, inexperienced and stubborn girl that I am, it took me a year to realize how much I did love him.

From the weeks of hoping and wishing that he would be the one to reach out to me, to feeling a loss in realizing he never would, to coming to understand that through everything we both had changed and how I had tried so hard to move on -- I still can't seem to get my feelings for him out of my system. I've tried to rationalize that it is just my inexperience and that maybe I just haven't found the right guy and of course the constant re-assuring that I did everything I could while we were together to try and make him happy. Nothing has worked to erase my feelings towards him. I've been reading articles lately with advice on how to get over someone you loved and they suggest a few helpful things that I thought I might impart to make this post of value:

1. Live in the current - try and detach your memories to just what they are: the past.

2. We tend to, or I tend to, have a habit of remembering the good qualities in people and situations that we forget or overlook the reason for why we made our decision in the first place.

3. Women get labeled and we label ourselves as "emotional" and rule that out of the process of rationality --- this has to stop. We make decisions based on our emotions because our feelings exist and they are of value just as much as the logic in our thought processes.

4. Live with no regrets - where you are now is a result of the choices you've made and the situations you've been given. I am at a good place in my life, aside from this broken heart recovery, I am fine. If you aren't at a good place right now, you have the power to change it.

5. Optimism - it really is quite powerful.

The list could go on with other quotes but for now focusing on each of these always seems to get me going.

Do you have any more suggestions?

Very slowly but surely

I can't believe half the year has gone by ... and I'm still thinking of him. I don't think it helps that we had seen each other practically once every month. A little part of me, steadily diminishing, still misses him and what I had with him. It still makes me cry to think of how great everything was at first. I sometimes even blame myself for being so impulsive and emotional. This acceptance business is taking a really long time for me. I tried a not so great way to get over it and I rebounded with this guy who I had nothing in common with. He was sweet, sensitive and ambitious -- the problem was that he was also psychotic. I'm going to save my experience of dating him for about a month for another post. I just so badly want to get over this guy and move on already.

Meanderings

How is it possible to love someone so much that despite all the hurt and tears you willingly will give them another chance? Is that where the term 'stupid love' came from? Why are people so conditioned to forget all the hurt and willingly choose to love? How...

... Is this really love?

I want it to be this easy.

I'm just a fool

I guess to save me from going into the detail of how I was pathetic and needy over the last month I am posting this new song by Christina Aguilera & Blake Sheldon. I thought this song pretty much sums up my current sentiments. Just goes to show that everyone goes through this? I am taking a dating hiatus. Time for personal recuperation! 

Wheel of Fortune

When you think of the Wheel of Fortune you think of a flat circle being spun around with dollar signs and of course Vanna White & Pax Ajax (or however you spell their names). The object I am referring to however is one that stands upright with no dollar signs but rather signifies fortune & misfortune as the wheel moves cyclically upwards then downwards.

I guess you can say this was coming and I ran straight into it, rather I ignorantly walked towards it. Maybe it just happened too fast at the wrong situation? I don't know. I have been known to be horribly impulsive and too meticulously over analytic but I expect a lot from someone that I potentially will date.  I think I need a hiatus. Every relationship around me seems to be decaying.

Men really are from another planet

I feel like I kicked a dying horse last night. Last night I impulsively expressed my concern for you and it ended up being a massive explosion. I expressed how worthless you made me feel and you said I created that delusional understanding on my own. You then said you never rejected me and that I also perceived that situation on my own as I wanted to see it. I laughed, the entire thing was so comical. There is no way we can see eye to eye it seems - although I am empathizing with you for your situation. I apologized this morning for saying a ton of hurtful things, something I don't usually do and all you did was justify what you had said then proceeded to saying you were okay with being friends.

Am I the only one who is confused by this?

Girls & Guys

From what I've heard and have experienced, regular Joes perceive relationships or dating as a thing of the moment. They ask us to stop thinking about the future or tomorrow and live in the current -- to focus on behaviors, situations and expectations 'now'. This would be great if life wasn't a cycle and if the word 'tomorrow' didn't exist. Maybe girls are smarter than the regular Joe who fails to see the importance of laying the foundation for tomorrow now.

While each situation may seem unique, the advice for girls experiencing difficulty in a relationship is to look at what they have now and stop thinking about later - to lower their expectations. It encourages a sense of complacency or contentment in the current situation with the assumption that there is time before the 'future'. But what if you end up falling madly in love with this guy who exhibits no willingness to change and become what you view as important? I know this seems vague and over generalized but I was reading an article written by a guy (link at article can be found below) and while I can relate to how he approaches the concept of the 'future' I'm not sure I agree entirely with the message he is trying to convey.

What do you think?

ARTICLE:  http://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/boyfriend-live-together/

My weekend rampage

It started with a work party at The Pint.

Early on in the week I told myself I was on self-preservation mode. I was trying to embrace being single and having so much freedom to anything with my time (for me this meant signing up to volunteer as a chair in committee for a well known charity organization and going to interviews to scout for a second job). And then the weekend hit and somehow I let loose a bit too much and then sunday hit. By sunday night I was wondering what had happened and by monday I felt like I didn't know what I want in my life anymore.

I feel so de-centralized, so not myself. And I still get emotional thinking about him. I hate being like this!

I am still alive

I realize I've been M.I.A. for a while now. I've been trying to re-live my life and pretty much celebrate surviving Singles Awareness Day (definitely celebrated it if you know what I mean ;)). I know there was a tiny little part of me that hoped he would contact me last weekend but, don't you worry, reality has slapped me in the face.

It is such a beautiful day today, life is great and all those wonderful quotes about people embracing life etc. The sun is shining and the reality of my Seasonal Affective Disorder has come to light. If I weren't sitting at work looking out the window into the sun right now I would probably be depressed.

This post is all over the place. I guess I just wanted to let you 1800 crazy people who view my blog (thank you) know that I am still alive and very much kicking! There will soon be more exciting posts ie. guest bloggers, personal interviews and live event feeds!

Keep posted xo

Fete d'amour

It is on this very day that I wish I invested in flower, chocolate and card making companies OR ran a floral, chocolate or card shop just so I can witness frenzy of people extravagantly purchasing material goods in order to portray their love for someone.

Don't get me wrong, I love any holiday that reminds us to stop and share love or give love (or make love ;)) but I think all of these can be done with out dropping large amounts of dollar bills. Does your significant other need to have a holiday to remind him/her to show you their love? Should this not be an ordinarily freely given affection?

This year, as with every year for the umptieth years I've lived, I am spending 'V' Day as a single & content jane. I have been struggling lately and last night I almost had an anxiety attack trying to prepare for the mix of emotions that I might feel since I've been an emotional psycho lately. Today, however, I strangely feel fine? I mean aside from the jerks showing off their flowers, cakes and whatever gifts they received on my facebook newsfeed, I feel pretty great about myself today - it might also be the medication I'm taking for my cold.

Last year for Valentine's Day my mom had a heart attack so today she considers it her second birthday. Instead of focusing on the lack of a significant other in my life I can focus on everyone else that exists, who have always been there for me no matter what.  Last night I asked my mom what she has gained from her year of life and she said that she now lives on a daily basis. Something I am still learning to do.

If only I could make millions blogging like Bruno makes singing about his love life

I don't understand why I've reverted to caring about your well being again. I actually started missing you again and then I started worrying about how you were doing, why!!! Is this something in my genes? Working hard to earn someone's affection despite constant rejection? You've never once shown that you've put my well being before yours. The situation right now is a clear indication of this. After seeing what I thought was the worst of your personality I thought I was no longer attracted to you but it seems that I am still clinging on to the memory of every great part about you. This feels so irrational for me, I can't understand why I just can't get over you! I would never imagine myself as the type to bend over backwards for someone who has hurt me so much. But here I am.

I at least hope you are sharing the same sentiments as Bruno Mars ...but you're probably not. Even though you did say you didn't think it would be a good idea to hurt me again ... I think it's bullshit for 'I don't have the energy for this'.

Movies

I found myself crying over you again, just when I thought I finally got rid of the feeling of missing you. This time it wasn't cause of anything you did or said but rather everything that you didn't do or didn't say. I was watching a stupid independent movie trying to have a nice relaxing early night at home with a glass of wine. It was about this girl who loved this guy and initially he didn't love her back but then he realized that he did towards the end --- what happened to indy movies!! They are not supposed to be typical, romantic and cheesy like the regular main stream films.

Now I'm trying to watch a documentary about with some species the female ends up eat their mates. Hopefully this female species energy will rub off on me.

Almost there!

I think I’m nearing the end. I haven't cried for the past couple of nights maybe I’m just dehydrated. This week has just been exhausting for me with my ten hour work days, night class and fundraising event this weekend for my non-profit.  I am dreaming about sleeping in and having a day to just lounge around and do whatever I want. Unfortunately, I don’t see a day like that coming my way soon. This is why I’ve resorted to online dating and even then I have no time to schedule in a meet up (imagine trombone playing).

I don't want to cry anymore cause I think you're not worth it. But I'm still hurt that you could be so selfish and thoughtless. But I guess I am crying cause I thought you were someone else, different from who I thought I saw in the beginning. And I guess when I get down to the basics ... you just weren't that into me.

My exact sentiments

This will probably be the only time my exact thoughts and feelings will jive with Mariah Carey's. Enjoy!

Here we are ... again.

I guess it's my own fault. I'm back at what I feel is day one of recovery. I have no idea how people in longer and more meaningful relationships survive after their break up - thinking about this gives me a sense of calm. I tend to be my own worse critic and in this case I need to be. I need to feel that this situation was in my control; that it was my own choice, knowing full and well the possible consequences, that had me arrive at where I am right now.

Despite all the hurt and the pain that I am feeling I am still trying to see the positive in this.  I opened myself up before, during & after being the naive optimistic individual that I am. I'm glad this happened again because despite how much it hurts it has shown me your real personality. I couldn't see you for the self-centred child that you are.

I no longer see you as a good guy, you took that away yourself.

Damn this ride never ends..

So last night he decided to text me. We rehashed what happened, I decided to be honest and tell him I was falling for him but I didn't see myself as a priority in his life so I chickened out and pushed him to leave me. He said so many sappy things, which I willingly fell for again. He asked to hang out tomorrow and I thought I would be open and willing to try things again since I realized I more than cared for him. I know mentally I thought this was not a good idea but I was just so happy to hear from him to know that I actually mattered. I was naive enough to believe that as he was the older more experienced one he would also be considerate and intelligent.

Today I asked him what time we should meet and six hours later I got no response and so the same feelings I had before we broke up resurfaced. I felt disgusted with myself for feeling needy and for allowing myself to be put in the same situation again but I really liked him so I was willing to put myself through anything. I finally texted him: you would tell me if you changed your mind right?. The douche waited until I initiated to finally tell me that he thinks its a bad idea, that he is still in the same position so he shouldn't have texted or emailed me back (he was on my case yesterday for waiting too long to ask him if he was okay --- what an effing child).

I honestly thought he was a good guy and there are parts of him at are sweet but maybe I had blinders on and chose to focus on those great qualities of his that I didn't see the selfish and egotistical bastard that exists within. It honestly pains me to have to put those labels on him because its not my personality to be so angry but right now I hate him so much.

Complications can be simple

I did something the other day that was probably not advisable in the process of trying to move on BUT it has helped me to find clarity. I know I say this so often and I seem to constantly teeter back and forth but this complication, rather the rollercoaster of feeling sad then happy, is a beauty in life. Yes, that sounds like I am on crack but it truly is a wonderful aspect of life to be able to freely flow between emotions and feelings and make choices irrelevant to the proper or social norm.

Anyways, I've come to understand that healing is different for everyone and that it often requires the satisfaction of feeling content. And as per a very wise Buddhist saying 'you are what you think'; your feeling of peace and contentment come from within. I know it's so easy to say now - trust me a few weeks ago I would not have been able to do this -- but this truly is about mastering your ability to silence your mind and practice a sense of stillness. It's a tough feat. I still constantly battle with myself, a privilege, but this is part of what I feel makes a beautiful life.

One step forward then two steps back...

I lived this part of that NickelBack song last night. I felt as if I had progressed or had taken a step forward but realized I was falling back down.

I've re-tried the online dating business because frankly there has been no time for me to venture out and it seems that unless your drunk at a bar guys in Vancouver are a bit too passive. I have had friendly exchanges on public transit, cafes and hell right on the sidewalk but nothing meaningful has come out of it. Honestly, it may very well be me and my inability to hide my pain (no I am not openly crying or brooding -- I am in fact quite pleasant and friendly to approach I've been told). Anyways, I'm back online and trying it again since I did find a good guy on there. I met up with this one guy yesterday afternoon and out of pure impulse spent the rest of the day with him. It was fun but on my way home in the train there I was with tears silently flowing down my face. Once I got to my car I turned the radio on and this stupid NickelBack song came on and I just let it all out!

Why can't I get over this!!!

The Big O

Don't get too excited just yet. The 'O' I'm referring to here is Oprah. It was such a privilege to be in the arena with her there. She has such a charismatic positive energy and everyone knows it. She didn't need to sing or dance (although she sang a short hymn) to get a crowd of approximately 15000 to pay hundreds of dollars and show up.

She talked about a lot of things in her life and her privilege of doing what she loved. I honestly felt so moved to have experienced her talk and at awe at how she is such an amazing woman. There were a few notes that I took that resonated within me, being newly single. I have voiced my frustration in not being able to fully let go yet and last night my 'single and happy' self was awakened. Better yet, the intelligent, independent and expressive individual I am inside was recharged.

"All trial exists to teach you that you are not the disease, it's to help you dig deeper to find out who you need to be" - Oprah Winfrey

Single & Happy

Happiness. Everyone is writing about it. Everyone wants it but somehow we don't all have it. I guess to limit the possible tangents I can go into with the idea of being 'happy' I will tackle the concept of being 'single & happy'.

During the last few weeks this idea of being 'single & happy' seemed to be impossible and even now I find it challenging to think about being a happy single Jane. It's almost been a month now and I feel like this past week has been more inundated with thoughts of him. It's so frustrating how often its been happening when I feel like these memories are supposed to go away. I'm trying to figure out if it's 'him' that I miss or the feeling of being in a relationship (being constantly contacted and the displayed affection).  It's led to my sluggish demeanor at work and everywhere else. I want to say that I'm being my regular Positive Patty (Imade this up) but it's tough. It's tough being content knowing that there is something missing.

I think I just need to constantly remind myself of everything I should be grateful for, the things outside of my control and the possibility of greatness to come. AND also I lived a perfectly happy and single life before him.

I would just really like to move on!

Tickets to Oprah

The universe has deemed me worthy of winning tickets to see Oprah! The name 'Oprah' did not exist for the public prior to her existence and will now never exist outside of her. In my mind Oprah is a pretty great woman! She experienced personal tragedy at an early stage in her life and has since then had to fend for herself. She has done so quite amazingly as she is now master of her own empire. She is honestly one of the most admirable women out there and a large part of me aspires to be as successful as she is.

Maybe that's why I've had such a hard time with dating. I'm very independent and driven so it's only recently that I've been able to look around and see that I am a bit lonely. I have family and friends who constantly surround me with love and affection but clearly something is missing. 

I'm looking forward to hear Oprah's wise words on balancing life. I feel like I need to calm down and balance my drive with feeling comfortable being a little bit dependent?

Why!

Last night I missed him so much and this overwhelming feeling of sadness snuck up on me quite intensely I actual cried.  It's almost been a month now ... I didn't and don't understand it! I thought I was over it and had moved on?!

Being single is expensive!

This weekend my single friends and I have been trolling the city. Yes, trolling -- I'm going to coin this word to imply a less aggressive form of prowling. We've gone speed dating, lounge dining and bar hoping. While we refused to pay several over priced cover fees we still purchased items for the night whether clothes, accessories, tickets or transportation to 'get out there'.

As a bunch of independent women we don't scour the bar for guys to buy us drinks, yes these girls exist. I've met a fair bit of guys who have voiced their pain in buying girls drinks and the girls leaving instantaneously after --- this is not how we want to portray ourselves girls! As a single girl with a good head on her shoulders I can say that if the situation was reversed (which it probably will never will be) I would feel used. Maybe my perspective of guys being genuinely interested in having a conversation or the potential of having that drink develop into something more is a bit idealistic and naive? I just know that the drink buying business is expensive. I don't remember where I was going with this ...

Anyways, I guess maybe the process of trying to 'put yourself out there' is what makes being single so expensive. I mean most couples date and spend the same amount if not more on their dating activities but I feel like single girls are pressured to get more 'dolled up' -- a self reflection not an accusation as there is nothing wrong with getting dolled up, it is just expensive.

The hype about speed dating

Yesterday a couple girlfriends and I had decided to try speed dating. I was actually excited as this was a new item on my bucket list and I thought that it would be a great way to meet new people. However, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being fantastic, I would give the event a 7.

Maybe it was because I was tired from working all day or the environment was so noisy I felt like I had to yell at all fifteen of my dates for seven minutes but the experience was mediocre for me. I mean to be fair it was fun and new. You are forced to meet new people but I felt like I was talking about the same thing every time fifteen times? I tried to change it up a bit and towards the end I told my date I wanted to create a speed dating experience so I asked for him to tell me something psychotic. Nothing. I can't remember what he told me cause they all blurred together! If it wasn't for the piece of paper I held with their names and a yes or no box I would never remember liking any of them (I have high standards, I only liked two).

I think maybe it might be the forced seven minutes of interaction that made it a bit exhausting after four guys ... that's almost thirty minutes! I had decent conversations with everyone, there is not a time where I had an awkward silence; some guy was marketing his software and another advocating for iphone over android, it was great. Maybe its better for more social people? I'm not sure. I don't have too much of a problem striking up a conversation with random people anywhere so the timedness (I know this isn't a word) of the whole thing was weird for me. There was also only one break and the waitress did not come to my table so there I was yelling at my date across the table so he could hear the same story I told him and my throat was so dry. Overall it was definitely an interesting experience. Would I ever do it again? I'm not sure.

One off the bucket list...

Tonight is speed dating night. A night to remember for the rest of my life (since I will only shell out $60  to date several guys once).  I'm a bit anxious since I don't really know what to expect but I know my sickness meds and a tiny bit of alcohol will take over when I get there. I had initially signed up since my friend has always wanted to do it, I've been curious and since we were pretty much newly single for the new year we thought why not? I can't see what could possibly go wrong (unless there is a Patrick Bateman in the midst of the pack) -- there wasn't much of a filter for this event now that I think about it ...

But I guess Im excited to be able to partake in this once in a lifetime experience with two of my best friends! My after thoughts to be posted shortly.

Hitting three weeks!

I was sick today so I had the whole day to wallow in sleep (while drugging myself to recovery).  The whole day to just lounge and relax just seems so unproductive so I actually did homework and worked on a project. It's so hard to not do anything. And when I did sit and just do nothing I started thinking too much about things and people that don't deserve any more time in my life. I guess the not so great part about being single is that no one will come to your side when you're not feeling great.

My single recovery has been pretty great so far. I have been doing other things, looking back without being sad and well meeting someone else but today of all days I felt sad. Maybe the stupid movie that I watched (which was supposed to be a comedy) has caused this in depth reflection but I am feeling a bit at a loss tonight. Why do they have to make movies so unrealistically emotional!

... better, faster, stronger.

Now that I'm back to my normal eating habits and have started my gym, yoga (and soon bootcamp & half marathon training) routine I feel as if I've regained myself. I've been told it's normal to think back and thankfully I've gotten to the stage where I can think back without being sad. So finally I can blog about being single!

Now that I'm single I'm trying to think of great activities to do. I've always wanted to try snowshoeing but have not had the opportunity. I guess there's not much luck for me with meeting people on a mountain since I'll be bundled with five jackets and one of those aluminum foil looking blankets. A friend had also suggested switching to a co-ed gym. I thought it would be a great opportunity to maybe take those booty shorts I have laying in the back of my closet from the summer (hahaha). I am kidding ...or not?

On a serious and real note, one of my friends has been dying to go speed dating so I agreed to come along with her. It will be a new life experience for the books, definitely blog worthy.

Keep posted!

x

Three full meals

Today I ate three full meals. I even gorged on M&Ms (I was on the brink of breaking my computer at work). While I did think about him, it was only momentary and quite fleeting. There were no sentiments of sadness but just reminiscing. I feel like I am so close to being ready and back on my own two feet. 

I lived my life without him before, quite fantastically I might add, and I can sure as hell do it again!

Upon perusing through the web I found this great article by VancouverBuzz highlighting the 'Best of' for being single in Vancouver:  http://www.vancitybuzz.com/2012/12/best-of-2012-single-in-vancouver/
   

Happy weekend everyone =)

Almost

I almost tried to reach out to you last night. I wasn't upset, I wasn't even sad. I was just sympathetic and well I was feeling impulsive and stubborn - two of my most defining qualities. This might sound like I'm full of it but I'm also generous in nature. I extend myself to those who I feel are needy and give them as much support as I can. And I guess because I do care about you (declining every day) I just have this pity for the situation that you are in and have this innate nature to want to help -- this is all despite the fact that you have clearly shown you don't care about me. I also came to the last part of this rationality after a few minutes and did not reach out to you thankfully -- I did want a piece of steak after...

Apologetic

Maybe it's my general nature but I'm still thinking about him and am feeling bad that I couldn't stay with him during his worst.

I may probably regret this later but I want your honest answer. To my random readers: is it lame and pathetic that I want to contact him and apologize?

Sunrise

Driving to work this morning was dangerous. It was dark and quiet which allowed for a lot of thinking time. I’ve been trying to restrict quiet thinking time as usually its lead to missing him and what I thought was potential for something pretty great. Initially that was how this morning started. But I came to terms with myself because despite all the personal events I went through I know that I had given it everything I had.  I gave it everything until it literally hurt.

And as I drove over the bridge fog and mist covered most of the city and in the distance set upon hues of light orange and blue and aged evergreens I could see the sun peaking. I came to the realization that no matter how dark and long the nights seem to be the sun will always rise to begin a new day.

(I did not drive and take a photo so this was from google)

In the words of Jay-Z ... On to the next one

I’m sitting here and I am still thinking about you. I’m sad that it didn’t work out because I cared about you, I kind of still do. My optimistic nature still thinks about you being a great guy. A part of me feels bad for bottling up everything I’ve been feeling to avoid stressing you out. It eventually got out of control and that was why I made my decision. I have already apologized to you for this - to which you had no reply. This is a new experience for me and I guess maybe I am trying to remember what was great and to learn from what wasn't. And while I want to think that you are hurting just as bad as I've been I know you’re not. So … I’m forced to move on to the next one.

 After you get over the tears and sentiments of missing the person you dated I think it’s quite reassuring to know that there are about 6.97 billion people who exist in the world. Those people have gone through, are going through or will be going through something similar to you. Meaning there are atleast 1.5 billion guys out there to date and maybe we can say that 750 million of those guys are good guys … I’m not very good at statistics, hell I can barely count, but I know that there must be at least 100 great single guys within my proximity and I am getting myself ready to find them!

The fifth day

It still makes me sad to think of you. I'm trying to remind myself that I wasn't enough for you and that even with the stress you were under I should never have had to work for your attention. I should never have had to feel like you were slipping away. Although you said things to confuse me, your actions will always speak louder than your words. You were self-centered and couldn't see everything that I did for you despite all of the stress I was under. Even now I know that you are only concerned with the hardship that you are going through.

This is my fifth day of recovering and I refuse to let the thought of you consume me with sadness any longer.

Where to begin ...

It sucks that I'm back at what I feel is step one of my recovery phase. I was so close to finally getting over you then you decided to come back into my life ... for what? I can't understand why you would think that it was okay to message me. I don't understand how you could think we ended on a 'good note' when you said you didn't have time or energy for me and couldn't even give me a hug good-bye because you were having a bad day. And I can't understand why I will still rationalize to myself that you are a great guy in a bad place right now.

Angry vent

I thought I was okay. I thought I was progressing at such a great pace. I had come to terms with the fact that you didn't like me enough and that there are other great guys out there. I was able to think back to the good times or see your name without being upset. I was getting ready to put my best foot forward then you had to mess me up by texting me last night.

You were ridiculous enough to think that we ended on good terms despite all that you know about me and the text I sent you the night before telling you how hurt I was. And as messed up as it is I am still willing to work hard for you, I still see you as a great guy under a brick load of stress. I think it's my personality and the fact that I purposely like to cultivate positivity instead of hate but right now it just makes it hurt even more. I have never seen my sympathy and willingness to work hard for anyone as a sign of weakness but in this case I broke down and cried in public over you. I don't understand what you want from me.