Complications can be simple

I did something the other day that was probably not advisable in the process of trying to move on BUT it has helped me to find clarity. I know I say this so often and I seem to constantly teeter back and forth but this complication, rather the rollercoaster of feeling sad then happy, is a beauty in life. Yes, that sounds like I am on crack but it truly is a wonderful aspect of life to be able to freely flow between emotions and feelings and make choices irrelevant to the proper or social norm.

Anyways, I've come to understand that healing is different for everyone and that it often requires the satisfaction of feeling content. And as per a very wise Buddhist saying 'you are what you think'; your feeling of peace and contentment come from within. I know it's so easy to say now - trust me a few weeks ago I would not have been able to do this -- but this truly is about mastering your ability to silence your mind and practice a sense of stillness. It's a tough feat. I still constantly battle with myself, a privilege, but this is part of what I feel makes a beautiful life.

One step forward then two steps back...

I lived this part of that NickelBack song last night. I felt as if I had progressed or had taken a step forward but realized I was falling back down.

I've re-tried the online dating business because frankly there has been no time for me to venture out and it seems that unless your drunk at a bar guys in Vancouver are a bit too passive. I have had friendly exchanges on public transit, cafes and hell right on the sidewalk but nothing meaningful has come out of it. Honestly, it may very well be me and my inability to hide my pain (no I am not openly crying or brooding -- I am in fact quite pleasant and friendly to approach I've been told). Anyways, I'm back online and trying it again since I did find a good guy on there. I met up with this one guy yesterday afternoon and out of pure impulse spent the rest of the day with him. It was fun but on my way home in the train there I was with tears silently flowing down my face. Once I got to my car I turned the radio on and this stupid NickelBack song came on and I just let it all out!

Why can't I get over this!!!

The Big O

Don't get too excited just yet. The 'O' I'm referring to here is Oprah. It was such a privilege to be in the arena with her there. She has such a charismatic positive energy and everyone knows it. She didn't need to sing or dance (although she sang a short hymn) to get a crowd of approximately 15000 to pay hundreds of dollars and show up.

She talked about a lot of things in her life and her privilege of doing what she loved. I honestly felt so moved to have experienced her talk and at awe at how she is such an amazing woman. There were a few notes that I took that resonated within me, being newly single. I have voiced my frustration in not being able to fully let go yet and last night my 'single and happy' self was awakened. Better yet, the intelligent, independent and expressive individual I am inside was recharged.

"All trial exists to teach you that you are not the disease, it's to help you dig deeper to find out who you need to be" - Oprah Winfrey

Single & Happy

Happiness. Everyone is writing about it. Everyone wants it but somehow we don't all have it. I guess to limit the possible tangents I can go into with the idea of being 'happy' I will tackle the concept of being 'single & happy'.

During the last few weeks this idea of being 'single & happy' seemed to be impossible and even now I find it challenging to think about being a happy single Jane. It's almost been a month now and I feel like this past week has been more inundated with thoughts of him. It's so frustrating how often its been happening when I feel like these memories are supposed to go away. I'm trying to figure out if it's 'him' that I miss or the feeling of being in a relationship (being constantly contacted and the displayed affection).  It's led to my sluggish demeanor at work and everywhere else. I want to say that I'm being my regular Positive Patty (Imade this up) but it's tough. It's tough being content knowing that there is something missing.

I think I just need to constantly remind myself of everything I should be grateful for, the things outside of my control and the possibility of greatness to come. AND also I lived a perfectly happy and single life before him.

I would just really like to move on!

Tickets to Oprah

The universe has deemed me worthy of winning tickets to see Oprah! The name 'Oprah' did not exist for the public prior to her existence and will now never exist outside of her. In my mind Oprah is a pretty great woman! She experienced personal tragedy at an early stage in her life and has since then had to fend for herself. She has done so quite amazingly as she is now master of her own empire. She is honestly one of the most admirable women out there and a large part of me aspires to be as successful as she is.

Maybe that's why I've had such a hard time with dating. I'm very independent and driven so it's only recently that I've been able to look around and see that I am a bit lonely. I have family and friends who constantly surround me with love and affection but clearly something is missing. 

I'm looking forward to hear Oprah's wise words on balancing life. I feel like I need to calm down and balance my drive with feeling comfortable being a little bit dependent?

Why!

Last night I missed him so much and this overwhelming feeling of sadness snuck up on me quite intensely I actual cried.  It's almost been a month now ... I didn't and don't understand it! I thought I was over it and had moved on?!

Being single is expensive!

This weekend my single friends and I have been trolling the city. Yes, trolling -- I'm going to coin this word to imply a less aggressive form of prowling. We've gone speed dating, lounge dining and bar hoping. While we refused to pay several over priced cover fees we still purchased items for the night whether clothes, accessories, tickets or transportation to 'get out there'.

As a bunch of independent women we don't scour the bar for guys to buy us drinks, yes these girls exist. I've met a fair bit of guys who have voiced their pain in buying girls drinks and the girls leaving instantaneously after --- this is not how we want to portray ourselves girls! As a single girl with a good head on her shoulders I can say that if the situation was reversed (which it probably will never will be) I would feel used. Maybe my perspective of guys being genuinely interested in having a conversation or the potential of having that drink develop into something more is a bit idealistic and naive? I just know that the drink buying business is expensive. I don't remember where I was going with this ...

Anyways, I guess maybe the process of trying to 'put yourself out there' is what makes being single so expensive. I mean most couples date and spend the same amount if not more on their dating activities but I feel like single girls are pressured to get more 'dolled up' -- a self reflection not an accusation as there is nothing wrong with getting dolled up, it is just expensive.

The hype about speed dating

Yesterday a couple girlfriends and I had decided to try speed dating. I was actually excited as this was a new item on my bucket list and I thought that it would be a great way to meet new people. However, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being fantastic, I would give the event a 7.

Maybe it was because I was tired from working all day or the environment was so noisy I felt like I had to yell at all fifteen of my dates for seven minutes but the experience was mediocre for me. I mean to be fair it was fun and new. You are forced to meet new people but I felt like I was talking about the same thing every time fifteen times? I tried to change it up a bit and towards the end I told my date I wanted to create a speed dating experience so I asked for him to tell me something psychotic. Nothing. I can't remember what he told me cause they all blurred together! If it wasn't for the piece of paper I held with their names and a yes or no box I would never remember liking any of them (I have high standards, I only liked two).

I think maybe it might be the forced seven minutes of interaction that made it a bit exhausting after four guys ... that's almost thirty minutes! I had decent conversations with everyone, there is not a time where I had an awkward silence; some guy was marketing his software and another advocating for iphone over android, it was great. Maybe its better for more social people? I'm not sure. I don't have too much of a problem striking up a conversation with random people anywhere so the timedness (I know this isn't a word) of the whole thing was weird for me. There was also only one break and the waitress did not come to my table so there I was yelling at my date across the table so he could hear the same story I told him and my throat was so dry. Overall it was definitely an interesting experience. Would I ever do it again? I'm not sure.

One off the bucket list...

Tonight is speed dating night. A night to remember for the rest of my life (since I will only shell out $60  to date several guys once).  I'm a bit anxious since I don't really know what to expect but I know my sickness meds and a tiny bit of alcohol will take over when I get there. I had initially signed up since my friend has always wanted to do it, I've been curious and since we were pretty much newly single for the new year we thought why not? I can't see what could possibly go wrong (unless there is a Patrick Bateman in the midst of the pack) -- there wasn't much of a filter for this event now that I think about it ...

But I guess Im excited to be able to partake in this once in a lifetime experience with two of my best friends! My after thoughts to be posted shortly.

Hitting three weeks!

I was sick today so I had the whole day to wallow in sleep (while drugging myself to recovery).  The whole day to just lounge and relax just seems so unproductive so I actually did homework and worked on a project. It's so hard to not do anything. And when I did sit and just do nothing I started thinking too much about things and people that don't deserve any more time in my life. I guess the not so great part about being single is that no one will come to your side when you're not feeling great.

My single recovery has been pretty great so far. I have been doing other things, looking back without being sad and well meeting someone else but today of all days I felt sad. Maybe the stupid movie that I watched (which was supposed to be a comedy) has caused this in depth reflection but I am feeling a bit at a loss tonight. Why do they have to make movies so unrealistically emotional!

... better, faster, stronger.

Now that I'm back to my normal eating habits and have started my gym, yoga (and soon bootcamp & half marathon training) routine I feel as if I've regained myself. I've been told it's normal to think back and thankfully I've gotten to the stage where I can think back without being sad. So finally I can blog about being single!

Now that I'm single I'm trying to think of great activities to do. I've always wanted to try snowshoeing but have not had the opportunity. I guess there's not much luck for me with meeting people on a mountain since I'll be bundled with five jackets and one of those aluminum foil looking blankets. A friend had also suggested switching to a co-ed gym. I thought it would be a great opportunity to maybe take those booty shorts I have laying in the back of my closet from the summer (hahaha). I am kidding ...or not?

On a serious and real note, one of my friends has been dying to go speed dating so I agreed to come along with her. It will be a new life experience for the books, definitely blog worthy.

Keep posted!

x

Three full meals

Today I ate three full meals. I even gorged on M&Ms (I was on the brink of breaking my computer at work). While I did think about him, it was only momentary and quite fleeting. There were no sentiments of sadness but just reminiscing. I feel like I am so close to being ready and back on my own two feet. 

I lived my life without him before, quite fantastically I might add, and I can sure as hell do it again!

Upon perusing through the web I found this great article by VancouverBuzz highlighting the 'Best of' for being single in Vancouver:  http://www.vancitybuzz.com/2012/12/best-of-2012-single-in-vancouver/
   

Happy weekend everyone =)

Almost

I almost tried to reach out to you last night. I wasn't upset, I wasn't even sad. I was just sympathetic and well I was feeling impulsive and stubborn - two of my most defining qualities. This might sound like I'm full of it but I'm also generous in nature. I extend myself to those who I feel are needy and give them as much support as I can. And I guess because I do care about you (declining every day) I just have this pity for the situation that you are in and have this innate nature to want to help -- this is all despite the fact that you have clearly shown you don't care about me. I also came to the last part of this rationality after a few minutes and did not reach out to you thankfully -- I did want a piece of steak after...

Apologetic

Maybe it's my general nature but I'm still thinking about him and am feeling bad that I couldn't stay with him during his worst.

I may probably regret this later but I want your honest answer. To my random readers: is it lame and pathetic that I want to contact him and apologize?

Sunrise

Driving to work this morning was dangerous. It was dark and quiet which allowed for a lot of thinking time. I’ve been trying to restrict quiet thinking time as usually its lead to missing him and what I thought was potential for something pretty great. Initially that was how this morning started. But I came to terms with myself because despite all the personal events I went through I know that I had given it everything I had.  I gave it everything until it literally hurt.

And as I drove over the bridge fog and mist covered most of the city and in the distance set upon hues of light orange and blue and aged evergreens I could see the sun peaking. I came to the realization that no matter how dark and long the nights seem to be the sun will always rise to begin a new day.

(I did not drive and take a photo so this was from google)

In the words of Jay-Z ... On to the next one

I’m sitting here and I am still thinking about you. I’m sad that it didn’t work out because I cared about you, I kind of still do. My optimistic nature still thinks about you being a great guy. A part of me feels bad for bottling up everything I’ve been feeling to avoid stressing you out. It eventually got out of control and that was why I made my decision. I have already apologized to you for this - to which you had no reply. This is a new experience for me and I guess maybe I am trying to remember what was great and to learn from what wasn't. And while I want to think that you are hurting just as bad as I've been I know you’re not. So … I’m forced to move on to the next one.

 After you get over the tears and sentiments of missing the person you dated I think it’s quite reassuring to know that there are about 6.97 billion people who exist in the world. Those people have gone through, are going through or will be going through something similar to you. Meaning there are atleast 1.5 billion guys out there to date and maybe we can say that 750 million of those guys are good guys … I’m not very good at statistics, hell I can barely count, but I know that there must be at least 100 great single guys within my proximity and I am getting myself ready to find them!

The fifth day

It still makes me sad to think of you. I'm trying to remind myself that I wasn't enough for you and that even with the stress you were under I should never have had to work for your attention. I should never have had to feel like you were slipping away. Although you said things to confuse me, your actions will always speak louder than your words. You were self-centered and couldn't see everything that I did for you despite all of the stress I was under. Even now I know that you are only concerned with the hardship that you are going through.

This is my fifth day of recovering and I refuse to let the thought of you consume me with sadness any longer.

Where to begin ...

It sucks that I'm back at what I feel is step one of my recovery phase. I was so close to finally getting over you then you decided to come back into my life ... for what? I can't understand why you would think that it was okay to message me. I don't understand how you could think we ended on a 'good note' when you said you didn't have time or energy for me and couldn't even give me a hug good-bye because you were having a bad day. And I can't understand why I will still rationalize to myself that you are a great guy in a bad place right now.

Angry vent

I thought I was okay. I thought I was progressing at such a great pace. I had come to terms with the fact that you didn't like me enough and that there are other great guys out there. I was able to think back to the good times or see your name without being upset. I was getting ready to put my best foot forward then you had to mess me up by texting me last night.

You were ridiculous enough to think that we ended on good terms despite all that you know about me and the text I sent you the night before telling you how hurt I was. And as messed up as it is I am still willing to work hard for you, I still see you as a great guy under a brick load of stress. I think it's my personality and the fact that I purposely like to cultivate positivity instead of hate but right now it just makes it hurt even more. I have never seen my sympathy and willingness to work hard for anyone as a sign of weakness but in this case I broke down and cried in public over you. I don't understand what you want from me.