My weekend rampage

It started with a work party at The Pint.

Early on in the week I told myself I was on self-preservation mode. I was trying to embrace being single and having so much freedom to anything with my time (for me this meant signing up to volunteer as a chair in committee for a well known charity organization and going to interviews to scout for a second job). And then the weekend hit and somehow I let loose a bit too much and then sunday hit. By sunday night I was wondering what had happened and by monday I felt like I didn't know what I want in my life anymore.

I feel so de-centralized, so not myself. And I still get emotional thinking about him. I hate being like this!

I am still alive

I realize I've been M.I.A. for a while now. I've been trying to re-live my life and pretty much celebrate surviving Singles Awareness Day (definitely celebrated it if you know what I mean ;)). I know there was a tiny little part of me that hoped he would contact me last weekend but, don't you worry, reality has slapped me in the face.

It is such a beautiful day today, life is great and all those wonderful quotes about people embracing life etc. The sun is shining and the reality of my Seasonal Affective Disorder has come to light. If I weren't sitting at work looking out the window into the sun right now I would probably be depressed.

This post is all over the place. I guess I just wanted to let you 1800 crazy people who view my blog (thank you) know that I am still alive and very much kicking! There will soon be more exciting posts ie. guest bloggers, personal interviews and live event feeds!

Keep posted xo

Fete d'amour

It is on this very day that I wish I invested in flower, chocolate and card making companies OR ran a floral, chocolate or card shop just so I can witness frenzy of people extravagantly purchasing material goods in order to portray their love for someone.

Don't get me wrong, I love any holiday that reminds us to stop and share love or give love (or make love ;)) but I think all of these can be done with out dropping large amounts of dollar bills. Does your significant other need to have a holiday to remind him/her to show you their love? Should this not be an ordinarily freely given affection?

This year, as with every year for the umptieth years I've lived, I am spending 'V' Day as a single & content jane. I have been struggling lately and last night I almost had an anxiety attack trying to prepare for the mix of emotions that I might feel since I've been an emotional psycho lately. Today, however, I strangely feel fine? I mean aside from the jerks showing off their flowers, cakes and whatever gifts they received on my facebook newsfeed, I feel pretty great about myself today - it might also be the medication I'm taking for my cold.

Last year for Valentine's Day my mom had a heart attack so today she considers it her second birthday. Instead of focusing on the lack of a significant other in my life I can focus on everyone else that exists, who have always been there for me no matter what.  Last night I asked my mom what she has gained from her year of life and she said that she now lives on a daily basis. Something I am still learning to do.

If only I could make millions blogging like Bruno makes singing about his love life

I don't understand why I've reverted to caring about your well being again. I actually started missing you again and then I started worrying about how you were doing, why!!! Is this something in my genes? Working hard to earn someone's affection despite constant rejection? You've never once shown that you've put my well being before yours. The situation right now is a clear indication of this. After seeing what I thought was the worst of your personality I thought I was no longer attracted to you but it seems that I am still clinging on to the memory of every great part about you. This feels so irrational for me, I can't understand why I just can't get over you! I would never imagine myself as the type to bend over backwards for someone who has hurt me so much. But here I am.

I at least hope you are sharing the same sentiments as Bruno Mars ...but you're probably not. Even though you did say you didn't think it would be a good idea to hurt me again ... I think it's bullshit for 'I don't have the energy for this'.

Movies

I found myself crying over you again, just when I thought I finally got rid of the feeling of missing you. This time it wasn't cause of anything you did or said but rather everything that you didn't do or didn't say. I was watching a stupid independent movie trying to have a nice relaxing early night at home with a glass of wine. It was about this girl who loved this guy and initially he didn't love her back but then he realized that he did towards the end --- what happened to indy movies!! They are not supposed to be typical, romantic and cheesy like the regular main stream films.

Now I'm trying to watch a documentary about with some species the female ends up eat their mates. Hopefully this female species energy will rub off on me.

Almost there!

I think I’m nearing the end. I haven't cried for the past couple of nights maybe I’m just dehydrated. This week has just been exhausting for me with my ten hour work days, night class and fundraising event this weekend for my non-profit.  I am dreaming about sleeping in and having a day to just lounge around and do whatever I want. Unfortunately, I don’t see a day like that coming my way soon. This is why I’ve resorted to online dating and even then I have no time to schedule in a meet up (imagine trombone playing).

I don't want to cry anymore cause I think you're not worth it. But I'm still hurt that you could be so selfish and thoughtless. But I guess I am crying cause I thought you were someone else, different from who I thought I saw in the beginning. And I guess when I get down to the basics ... you just weren't that into me.

My exact sentiments

This will probably be the only time my exact thoughts and feelings will jive with Mariah Carey's. Enjoy!

Here we are ... again.

I guess it's my own fault. I'm back at what I feel is day one of recovery. I have no idea how people in longer and more meaningful relationships survive after their break up - thinking about this gives me a sense of calm. I tend to be my own worse critic and in this case I need to be. I need to feel that this situation was in my control; that it was my own choice, knowing full and well the possible consequences, that had me arrive at where I am right now.

Despite all the hurt and the pain that I am feeling I am still trying to see the positive in this.  I opened myself up before, during & after being the naive optimistic individual that I am. I'm glad this happened again because despite how much it hurts it has shown me your real personality. I couldn't see you for the self-centred child that you are.

I no longer see you as a good guy, you took that away yourself.

Damn this ride never ends..

So last night he decided to text me. We rehashed what happened, I decided to be honest and tell him I was falling for him but I didn't see myself as a priority in his life so I chickened out and pushed him to leave me. He said so many sappy things, which I willingly fell for again. He asked to hang out tomorrow and I thought I would be open and willing to try things again since I realized I more than cared for him. I know mentally I thought this was not a good idea but I was just so happy to hear from him to know that I actually mattered. I was naive enough to believe that as he was the older more experienced one he would also be considerate and intelligent.

Today I asked him what time we should meet and six hours later I got no response and so the same feelings I had before we broke up resurfaced. I felt disgusted with myself for feeling needy and for allowing myself to be put in the same situation again but I really liked him so I was willing to put myself through anything. I finally texted him: you would tell me if you changed your mind right?. The douche waited until I initiated to finally tell me that he thinks its a bad idea, that he is still in the same position so he shouldn't have texted or emailed me back (he was on my case yesterday for waiting too long to ask him if he was okay --- what an effing child).

I honestly thought he was a good guy and there are parts of him at are sweet but maybe I had blinders on and chose to focus on those great qualities of his that I didn't see the selfish and egotistical bastard that exists within. It honestly pains me to have to put those labels on him because its not my personality to be so angry but right now I hate him so much.